Passivity - Dreadfully Comfortable

I have rewritten this opening statement 4 times now, and I still don’t know what to say.

Maybe this topic hits too close to home, a discussion I am not yet ready to have because I know it’s one I’ve suffered and still suffer from. Maybe pushing myself to be open about my passivity is generally uncomfortable and brings with it too many bad memories. Maybe, through all the speeches I’ve given on taking control of your decisions and giving meaning behind the final product of your choices, I have yet to do so myself. Why is it that I’m always rewarded with satisfaction from the statement, “Let it be”?

I do nothing, stand proud, and remain convinced the consequences of my inaction.

Passivity, the acceptance of what happens without resistance, has been eerily on my mind as of late. I don’t mean remaining passive by blocking your progression in an extrinsic sense; say for example a better job, exploration of interests, or even restyling your fashion sense. I use passive in a more internal approach, the desire to want and to have, the need but unwillingness to obtain, and the inescapable obtainable dream. The description comes off as pathetic, but, in my opinion, is one of the great internal struggles of being human. To be so sure of wanting something so much but doing nothing to get there; and how do we climb that hill? Honestly, through a slap in the face, an “enough is enough” epiphany that gets you off your feet towards your dream goal. No amount of convincing can push you until YOU’RE ready to push yourself, and that’s incredibly frustrating. A lack of control over the control of your destiny, waiting only on yourself to be ready. Sounds reaaaalllyyy like Inception. A taco inside a taco inside a Taco Bell.

So, why did I keep trying to convince myself for years when I know that method doesn’t work?

Because I hate sitting around doing nothing. Rotting away, wasting into the wall, sleeping with falsely tired eyes; I can’t bear a future where I reflect on nothing. Did it work? Nope, only aging, growing, and maturing helped me understand what’s needed to move forward. Did it help? Yes, because even if trying to convince myself led to nothing, I gained this sense of “at least I know what I want”, which helped make the inaction easier. “Let it be” became less of a desire for destiny to step in and more of a statement that I’m working on it. I’m working on my future. I’m working on a desire I’ve tucked away, able to take the next step when I eventually was ready.

I’m 25, and only now getting a start on a life I’ve desired for quite some time. Better late than never, I guess. If only that worked with growing a full beard.

Thanks,

Alex

Found this at a local small book shop, and picked it up in hopes of reading it once I finish Crime and Punishment! Maybe after I read Murakami’s book on running first, but love the cover to this one.