I Cannot Stay On Track.

I have this recurring issue where I halt my progress on certain projects for no apparent reason. Maybe it’s the distraction I’ve spoken about previously? Maybe it’s a time management issue? I don’t think it’s a problem of lost interests, I’m always satisfied and enthusiastic when I go back to these projects and make enough progress to trick myself like I’m being consistent. So, I guess in simplified terms, my problem is with consistency.

But what about consistency makes it so hard to stay on track? What about keeping up with myself and my “to-do’s” make it difficult to continue even when I want do? I honestly think it’s the freedom of these projects that make it so hard to come back to, the fact that there’s no external stress or time limit creates this open mindedness of “ahh you’re good” that makes it more comfortable to slack. But that’s the issue, I fall back on that comfortability and start slacking on the tough/ time consuming tasks, the irony being that I chose to do these tasks BECAUSE they’re uncomfortable. I chose to go through with these projects because they’re a challenge. I decided to be uncomfortably challenged because I know I can handle it, and I know the personal payoff will be huge.

Going to college for a major in Nursing and a minor in Music Education, I became so tightly wound in a schedule and the demand to finish everything on time with no room for nothing less than my best. It was one of the darkest times of my life, but also oddly enough the most enjoyable. When I was able to go out with friends, enjoy a weekend or holiday, or even go home before 9pm, there was this satisfaction in that I was able to do all those things because I completed everything on my list, almost like a breath of fresh air. Or even when I made free time despite not catching up on my tasks, the rebellion I felt was mixed with this mood of social progress. It was a wild time, but a perfect time for a young adult growing up.

Now? I have all this free time. Despite working a full-time schedule (3dx12h nights) I compensate for the days I work with a decreased sleep schedule of about 4-5hrs. On the days I don’t work… nothing. I have a whole 24hrs of free time I can use to build something beautiful, all the time in the world to create, revise, or recoup. But that’s my biggest flaw, there’s so much free time I put it to the side and tell myself I have time to do it later.

The reason I’m writing this is because this does not work, yet I do it anyways.

I’m slowly getting better, I made it a point to do little things like wash my face twice a day no matter how tired I feel. Hopefully the can snowball into something larger. I mean, hey! I finished writing this!

Thanks,

Alex.

A snippet from the move-out day of my apartment. I can’t believe it’s been a year already since I moved in, but I can’t believe even more that these two got along so well in this photo. Cleo was resting and Luffy plopped right next to her without trying to bite her or her slapping him. It lasted a total of 5 minutes. Maybe 3 minutes actually…